Glasglow Fist of fury..

After touring around scotland, I wanted to spend some time in the fable rough city of glasglow, home to one of scotlands best comedians, Billy connolly. I didn't have much planned. I just wanted to make my way from edinburgh to glasglow and back again, without dieing. Well, thats what someone people would have you believe.

I jumped on the scotish train, which compared to the outback train service, I sorta only knew, seem like first class. Great seats, hell this train was the best I'd ever been on. And I wasn't the only one to think this. As I was sitting here thinking, have I got on the right train? 2 fellow aussie backpackers approached me and asked, mate pardon me. But is this first class? Can you tell us were normal class is for us? I laughed and said, I'm an aussie too and thats my exact thoughts. I suggest we just sit here till someone moves us on or kicks us off.. look like theres plenty of room for all of us. They moved off and sat and we all just waited to be moved to the cheap seats. But, in the end, it proved to be the standard level of train in scotland.

It took roughly 1 hour or so for the train to reach glasglow from edinburgh. I'd enjoyed edinburgh, had some really great nights in that city. I was expecting the same from glasglow. The train arrived at the main central station, I think in queens street in the middle of the city. I spent the first part of the day, doing normal sight seeing around glasglow. Hell, it was one of scotlands biggest cities so why not? Treat it like I was in new york or london and do a bus tour. Ok, ok.. it was very different, but thats what I liked about glasglow.

The 2nd part of My day was spent trying to score a stadium tour of glasglow rangers and celtic football grounds. But those were pretty much full for weeks and I didnt want to hang around that long. So, to kill some time I walked into the glasglow rangers shop and asked to purchase a glasglow celtic shirt. The only thing that saved me was the fact I australian and from the outback. They pointed me in the direction of the glasglow celtic shop. Which of course made me ask where could I buy a rangers shirt? Alot more dirty looks this time. But I got out alive.

So after courting danger, My return ticket back to edinburgh, was a non peek travel ticket. I got back to the main station at 6pm. So, I had to wait till 630pm to travel back to edinburgh and meet up with a few people for dinner and a few beers.

I stood out the back and ate a few bananas, cranked up my mp3 player and stood there minding my own business. Then this cranky looking, hip hop wearing white girl approached me. She was shouting/asking/telling me something, but my music was up so loud, I had no idea what she was asking me. I pulled out one ear plug and asked her, "whats up love?" It was almost like she was spitting back in my face. You got a fag? I laughed. Nope, I don't smoke. You put in alot of effort to find out I don't smoke.. but before I could finish my sentence she turned around in a huff and walked back into this group of white boys all dressed up too look like they were from east LA or bronx in new york.

story to be finished later,... sleep time for me.(ReTelling Of This story)

She returned back to the group of hip hop looking lads and they slowly started to walk off towards the back right from my position. On my left side coming down an alley way, was 2 young guys and girls. They were about 10-15 feet from me at this period. Not really paying much attention too them, I went back to listening to my music and waiting for the 630pm train.

I casually glanced over to the group of dudes and 1 chick, who were now 7oclock position from my spot. As my eyes connected with the group, I suddenly saw them break off in groups of one or twos,running off in different directions. I was puzzled, I pulled out one of my earphones and turned the music down a little. It was like I was watching a group of predators, breaking off to stalk something. As these thoughts were echoing through my head, I started to think, hmm. Could their target be, myself? I tighten my backpack to my shoulders.

As I looked back after adjusting my backpack, all that was standing there was the angry girl and 2 hiphop/gangster guys. It was then I realized the young group of 2 guys and girls had passed behind me and the hip hop posse approached. I saw a hand extended in friendship, something like, how are you going mate, in a very thick glaswegian accent. Suspecting they knew each other, I went back to minding my own bussiness.

Only 2-3 mins passed and I thought I heard harsh words being spoken. I looked up and tried to judge the body language, it all appeared to be ok. They were still shaking hands. Then I thought I heard the hiphop leader ask the younger guy, something like you owe me money or give me your money. Again, the scotish accent was so thick, it was hard to make out. As I was wondering what was really going down, the young guy, tried to break from the hiphop guys handshake. Which he could not. He was jumping up and down and trying to pull his hand away. Suddenly, the rest of the hiphop group sprang their ambush. Coming in from different directions to surround the young group.

Fist were flying, kicks, head butts. The 2 young girls ran off and I turned thinking fuck-in-hell. Stay out of this, these mother fuckers could have knives and you are on holidays. The 2 young guys, were holding off roughly 6 guys. Outsized and out numbered. These 2 young guys, just ran around as much as they could pushing, throwing punches and kicking. As for the first 30seconds passed, it became almost comical to myself. Growing up in a mining town in the outback of Queensland, Australia. I'd seen some fights and if you could not fight, you went down fast. All I could think of was this fight look like a scene from saturday night live and started laughing alot. No one could land a punch.

I lost view of the 2 younger girls and I watch the action of the fight. It appeared the larger group hiphop guys, must be heavy drug users, because I felt they should have taken out the 2 smaller younger guys quite easy. But there was conflict within myself to step in and I was tying my gear to the poll beside me. All around me older woman and men, start to yell stop this, leave them alone you thugs, crooks etc.. As I focused back on the fight which must of being going for all of 5 mins by this stage. One of the younger guys fell to the ground in front of me and 2 of the biggest lads, about 6 foot each and the angry mouth woman, jump on top of him and were about to start putting in the boot.

It was at this stage, I entered the fight! I charged forward grabbing the biggest guy and smashing over the angry woman to get to him. She went arse-up and hit the cold floor. Looking back in fear as I came through. I hit the big guy in the stomach and then on the back of the neck and he went down. I turned to the leader hiphop guy. He was looking up at me and as our eyes made contact, my face just spewed anger. I yell at him, "Go on, hit me cunt!!" He started to back away and I moved 2 paces towards him and he started to turn and run as the foul mouth woman was too, but with putting in alot of swearing at me. I looked down to the young guy on the floor who was slowly getting up, then the large guy I took down, was stirring and came up to me. I grabbed him and pushed him back to the floor. Then I heard more people yelling and I looked up to see about 4-5 cops running up the street straight to me. I stepped back and putt my hands up explaining what happen.

The cops told me to follow them and we chased after the rest of the group. I slowly walked with one of the coppers after I had grabbed my stuff and the 2 young guys, started telling them what happened. Then we headed up an alleyway, to follow the rest of the hiphop group who'd all run off. The cops caught about 3-4 members of the group. I'd been standing there givening my events of the fight. I was asked to come back the the train station police station. I was told tops of an hour to work this all out and be on my way.

As the story unfolded back in the police station, I gave my events of the story, I told them that I had been standing there minding my bussiness, untill the fight started, which I spent majority of the time, laughing at them as it was fairly crap fighting. They told me they would review it on cctv. It took over 2 hours to give them all my details and get the reports on the cctv, which confirmed what I had to say.

After finishing off my statement, I went out and met the 2 young guys, who I learnt were only 16 years of age. I told them, I'd offer to buy the a few drinks but learning their age, I'd have a few drinks for them. We all had a bit of a laugh. Talk with their parents for a small bit. By the time I was allowed to leave it was 1030pm. So much for returning to edinburgh and going out with a few people I had arranged with, that night.

By the time I got back to my hostel in edinburgh, it was 11.30-12pm at night. I walked in and had to sign in to get into the hostel. Due to their secruity measures. I then produced the police report and the canadian guy read it and said holy shit.. I said yeah. I had a full day today and even saw kill bill in glasglow as well.. What a day. Now I got to catch up with a few people, most likely missed them. I returned to my room, talked with a few mates and we had a few beers and I went to bed.

I woke up the next morning and when I entered the downstairs kitchen/chill out area alot of people started talking about my ransacking of glasglow. I was puzzled and said, my what? It was a case of having ten people in line and you tell one, one thing, then they tell the next another. By the time it gets to the end of the line, the stories changed so much. What was coming back to me, was half of glasglow had tried to kill me, so I beat the living crap out of them.. there was about 10 different versions. I just downplayed everything and said, I like glasglow. Its meant to be rough. And no, I didn't really fight anyone or get into a fight. I just came to a guys aid. The more I downplayed it the more people built the story up. I ended up just shaking my head and talking about the weather when ever it was brought up. I was only around for a few more days and then I headed off down the east coast of UK.

So, make sure to visit glasglow, when you are next in scotland. och aye!

The fanny pak chronicles

A fanny pak? I can hear most of you non north americans saying, what the hell? You sick puppy! So whats is a fanny pak? Here is an example: Hmm? Now you know what I am talking about then we came move forward. In oz, we call them bum bags or packs.

My fanny pak chronicles start in 2002 in canada, when I was hiking with a few canadian friends. We had started the trip and the girls started talking about shoving things into the fanny paks or trying to stuff more things into the small fanny paks. I think the point where I first lost it and started laughing, was when one of the girls mention trying to fit in some bananas into her fanny pak and it WAS JUST TOO BIG to fit in her fanny. The 12 year old boy within myself, just burst out laughing, which made the girls pull a puzzled face. I manage to keep way from the subject, but they had noticed I was always pull a bit of a smirk, when they mentioned certain words.. and I finally gave in.. For the next 8 hours all I heard was putting this or that in their pussy bags! Because in australia, uk and NZ, fanny= vagina, pussy.. etc.. I think you get the idea right? And fanny in north america, is a cutesy name for bum/backside/bottom or arse!!! wait, I mean ass, for you americanos.

Now, I don't go out of my way to bring this story up time and time again with travellers or random people I meet. It takes a certain thing to trigger a tale. And this happen, in New york city. I had met a new york girl, by the name of heather in london and I had caught up with her again in NYC. It was an evening at her place, talking to her flat mate and her flatemates boyfriend. This was roughly 2003/2004. Heather asked me to tell a story or travel tale of mine, it hit me that there was 3 americans in the room and this would be a tale to tell them.

I began where it all started, middle of the 1990s, 1996 or 1997, roughly. On top of Mount Cootha. A city lookout in brisbane. I was up there with friends, having a nice lunch and a few drinks. I looked around at the 3 americans, heather and her friends listen with interest. You see, we had been filling our gobs with food and drink when a large tourist bus pulled up to the lookout. We could hear the accents miles away, it was a bus full of americans. We paid little attention to the bus, until this one women began to come off the bus. She was a very large african-american woman, As she got to the exit doors on the bus, she said out in a very loud southern american drawl accent, "I got such a saw FANNY, from sitting on that bus all day!" MY memory is a little bit hazzy now, But I wasnt sure if it was the food I was either spitting out or choking on or the beer that came out of my nose that nearly killed me or the very fact I was laughing so hard at the very same time in shock. Maybe it was all three, but if you can imagine, a group of people sitting at a table, talking, eatting, drinking, then hearing the above line and everyone just burst out laughing, in mid drinking or eatting. Food and beer went everywhere.

I remember turning towards this woman, even now I can see her just standing halfway in the bus doors looking at us half puzzled, half in embarrassed. Not knowing why suddenly a group of people sitting at a table near her, exploded in laughter, food and beer. I almost swear, she was going a shade of red. Then it hit me, she was american, african-american. And she may take things the wrong way, that we were being racist aussie bastards. Me and 2 mates, with food and beer all over our shirts and face, began to walk close to explain what she just said out aloud. Now can you imagine, being in another country having 3 guys approaching you, covered in food/beer and laughing nonstop, trying to explain the meaning of the word fanny in australan english compared to american english? As you can imagine, it didnt go down well, but she came to understand what we were trying to tell her. And in a huff she walked off.

Our lunch was ruined, it didn't seem to matter to our group. We just kept on laughing and then trying to tell each other it wasn't good form to keep laughing, which just brought out another round of tears and laughter. After I finished telling this tale to heather and her friends, her flatmate had got up and raced off to her room.. she came back with her very own fanny pak, she ran around the room saying she was putting this or that in her pussy bag or her pussy pack. I just shook my head and said, why did I even bring this up.. and started laughing.

After all the laughter had died down I finished off the fanny pak chronicle. I told of the story, of a las vegas comedian flying to australia in the 1950's or early 60's. To do one of the very first live national broadcasts on australian tv. Like most comedians, he used his day to day life as his show. Naturally enough, his wife was a good source of his jokes. He walked on stage and started his bit. Part way through, he was talking about the 30 hour flight from las vegas to australia. HE then got to the part where his wife was complaining about having to keep scratching her sore fanny, from sitting on it for that length of time. As you can imagine, the audience of that era was stunned, the tv hosts were stunned and the poor old american comedian was puzzled to their reaction. The show was pulled off air and the comedian was sent packing.

So ends The Fanny/fanny pack chronicles.

Good Deeds, that can come back to bite you.

On my trip around da world, I constantly came across people posing for pics. You know the type, hell you might even be one of them. A family, a couple, lovers etc.. climb up a hill, pose in front of a castle or great scene, though one of the group peels off to take the pic of the rest and misses out of the group photo.

I'm a keen watcher of people, in these positions. I'm not studying people, though I look at how people react in situations. When I see something like this unfold, I usually speak up and suggest that I take the pic for that group or couple. Crack a joke about taking the camera and running or charge 20 pounds or when ever currency is the most expensive in that region.

My story starts in scotland, edinburgh. Near holyrood castle, on the large hill in the middle of that area that overlooks most of the city. Its a hell of a climb, ok you can take the easier route up. There are some tougher ways to do it. So, yes I took the tough way up and was quite buggered. I'd been up there most of the day, snapping pics left and right of the city and surround areas and just soaking it all in.

I begin to notice families and people taking pics of each other. But wat triggered me to react was this small family. A father, mother and their daughter. They had hiked up the large hill, Went to pose for the family pic, they looked around, for wat ever reason the father just took a pic of the mother and his daughter. I moved forward and suggested that the pic would be hell of a lot better with him in it as well. I then suggested for a small fee or 50 pounds It would be no problem. We all had a laugh and I took the pic for them. Which sorta made their day. After the deed was done, I said hey, us aussies like to help out once in awhile. Enjoy the view and picture.

Long story short, I ended up doing this for a few more families, girls, guys, couples etc.. But I remember the last pic I took that day. These 3-4 american girls studying at the local campus, had climb the hill and wanted to take pics. instead of having a group photo, one was going to take the pic. So I offered to get them all in a group photo and record their journey. It was a very nice expensive nikon digital camera, a little bit of bling, bling. I took the pic, we had a laugh, exchanged tales of travel, I was an aussie, they were american etc, etc.. I handed back her camera and half turning said have you got it? She said yes I have and I let go of the camera.. The next thing I heard was this very expensive camera landing on the many rocks around our feet. I pulled a funny face and just realized it went ba-da-boom. A little bit shocked, she explained she had it, but dropped it. From then on, I was always a little bit wary of offering to take pics. Just in case you met someone not so forgiving if the same thing happen. But you gotta do what you gotta do..

So, the next person camera I took the pic and just threw it off cliff.. what? Ok, I am just joking..


Dean.